


Learning To Share

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Multi, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 11:02:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11462241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: Kochanski comes up with a unique way to lift Lister's depression.





	Learning To Share

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the Starbuggers Kink Meme

            “We need to talk,” Kochanski said softly, sliding into the chair opposite Rimmer.  He put down his book and eyed her with vague suspicion.

“About what?” he asked.  The two of them were not close, and he would never normally be her chosen confidante. 

“I’m worried about Dave.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s not been himself recently.  I think he’s depressed.  And he’s drinking too much.”

“He’s always drunk too much,”

“Now he’s drinking _way_ too much.  Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the difference in him lately.”

“He gets like this sometimes.  He’ll snap out of it sooner or later.”  Rimmer shrugged.

“I’m not so sure.  I’ve never seen him like this.”

“What would you like me to do about it?” he asked peevishly.

“It’s more a question of what _we_ can do about it.”

“I don’t follow.”

            Kochanski looked at him meaningfully, “Have you ever told him how you feel?”

“How I feel about what?” Rimmer shifted uncomfortably.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“No, I don’t.  I have no idea.”

“Come on, Rimmer, don’t give me that.  I’m not an idiot, I’ve seen the way you look at him.  I’ve known for years that you have some kind of thing for him.  Out with it.  Have you ever actually _told_ him?”

“You’re delusional, woman,” Rimmer said anxiously, hiding his face in his book.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Can you also take it as a ‘go away’, by any chance?”

“The thing is,” Kochanski continued, ignoring him, “I rather think he might feel the same way about you.”

            Rimmer dropped the book and turned to stare at her, “What???”

“Aha!” she smiled widely, “That got your attention, didn’t it?”

“What the smeg are you talking about?”

“Listen,” she said patiently, “Me and Dave, we’ve been dancing around each other for years and quite frankly it’s getting ridiculous.  He acts like he wants us to be together, but every time we get close, he backs off.  He says he’s not sure that I really love him but I think it’s something more than that.  I think if that was the problem he’d be in my bed every night trying to win me round.  I think his real problem is that deep down he’s not 100% sure what, or _who_ , he really wants.”

“Well,” Rimmer was noticeably flustered now, “If any of that is true, and I’m not saying I think it is, then that’s his problem to sort out.”

“What if we could remove the problem?”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, how about we take the decision out of his hands?”

“How exactly?”

“I’ve thought about leaving, you know,” she told him, “Just taking blue midget and letting the two of you work it out somehow.  But given your past history, I don’t think that would ever happen.  You’re both too smegging stubborn.  So, I came up with an alternative.”

“Which is?”

“We let him know he doesn’t _have_ to choose.”

Rimmer stared at her, wide-eyed.  “What are you saying?” 

Kochanski smiled wickedly, “I’m saying, Arnold, that it’s time for us to act like grown-ups.  And _share_.” 

 

Next Day...

            Lister lay on the couch in the sleeping quarters, staring sadly out of the window.  He’d been reading a magazine but that now lay discarded on the floor.  He’d lost interest halfway through.  He’d lost interest in a lot of things recently.  There seemed to be no point to anything.  Except alcohol.  That still seemed to work reliably.  If nothing else, he could still rely on the fact that alcohol had the same effect it always did, to get him nicely drunk.  Which was why there was a half empty bottle within easy reach right now.  He heard the familiar rhythm of Rimmer’s boots on the floor as he entered the room and closed his eyes wearily, waiting for the inevitable lecture.  Just as he’d been starting to feel pleasantly numb too.  Sure enough, Rimmer’s voice piped up from the other side of the room.  “How much have you had?”  Surprisingly, the voice seemed genuinely curious rather than accusing.

“One too many,” Lister grudgingly admitted.

“Are you drunk?”

“No.  Just...mellow.”

“Good,” Rimmer replied briskly, “That might make this easier.”

“Make what easier?” Lister reluctantly sat up and peered at him over the back of the couch.

            Rimmer faced him, hands clasped in a purposeful way behind his back.  “I want you to know I have been thinking very hard about the state of affairs on this ship.  I don’t mind telling you that I find our current situation deeply unsatisfactory.”

“Well, duh,” Lister responded, “That’s hardly news, is it?”

“Morale is low, you are obviously lacking in both purpose and motivation, and the time has come to tackle the matter head on.”

“What do you suggest?” Lister asked sceptically, “Because those compulsory morris dancing lessons you inflicted on us all did absolutely nothing for morale, I can tell you that now.”

“Having studied all the data and research available to me,” Rimmer continued firmly, “I believe the only solution left is for us to sex each other.”

            Lister stared at him silently, absorbing this.  “Excuse me?” he asked eventually. 

Rimmer blushed, but stuck to his pitch.  “Much like the regime implemented on the holoship I visited, I believe we should instigate a ship regulation that requires us to have sex at least twice daily.  Starting immediately.”  Lister squinted at the bottle by his feet.  Had he accidentally picked up a bottle of marijuana gin?  Was this really happening? 

“Us?” he repeated, “Immediately?”

“Immediately,” Rimmer confirmed.

“Can I ask why this regulation only applies to us?”

“The rest of the crew are motivated enough already,” Rimmer told him, “You’re the one lying on the sofa drinking whisky in the middle of the afternoon.”

            Lister pondered this.  In a strange way it actually made sense.  But... “What about Kriss?”

“What about her?”

“Well, we’re kinda...”

“You’re not ‘kinda’ anything,” Rimmer rolled his eyes, “And if you were ever going to be, you’d have sorted it out between you by now.”  Lister winced, but didn’t argue.  To be fair, Kriss had propositioned him more than once but despite how much he wanted her, and he _did_ want her, so far an indefinable sense of betrayal had held him back.  Yes, it had been a long time since she’d lost ‘her Dave’ and despite his lingering sentimentality there were times when he genuinely didn’t care whether she truly loved him or not.  But somehow it had never felt _right_ and he wasn’t sure why.  _This_ , on the other hand....  Well, it would be an outright lie to say the thought had never occurred to him.  In some ways, he was more surprised that the subject had never arisen before. 

            And honestly, for all that Rimmer was a smeghead, and always would be, Lister did care for him.  There had been times when he’d even thought, with a little work on both sides, they could have thrashed out a functional (if untraditional) relationship of sorts.  He’d suspected for many years that Rimmer might be more open to the idea than he let on, but he’d never expected this approach. 

He folded his arms, “Rimmer, is this you coming on to me?”

“Absolutely not,” Rimmer replied indignantly, “This is entirely for your own good, miladdo.  Do not imagine I would gain any satisfaction from bending you over that sofa and giving that impertinent bottom of yours a good pounding.  This is entirely for health reasons, understand?”

“Oh, okay,” Lister replied, dazed.

“Besides, you need the exercise.”

“I probably do,” Lister admitted.  His head was spinning, but he was no longer sure if it was down to the one too many drinks he’d just imbibed, or the idea of Rimmer giving him a good pounding.  “Well, then,” Rimmer marched over, “As we have to have sex at least twice in order to meet the new regulations, I suggest we get started.”

 

Maybe it was the alcohol, Lister mused, or maybe it was the fact that they knew one another so well, but he hadn’t expected it to feel this _natural._ He knew this body and its occupant so well that, in a weird way, it almost felt like they’d done this before.  Hell, he knew Rimmer’s body almost as well as he knew his own; he’d inhabited those limbs, run fingers through that hair, handled that slender eager cock, he’d done it all.  And Rimmer knew his body just as intimately. 

“Do you feel it too?” he whispered between kisses as they undressed one another. 

“Déjà vu,” Rimmer confirmed in a murmur.  Lister smiled to himself.  He hadn’t even needed to say it and Rimmer knew what he meant.  They should have done this a long time ago.   He slid to his knees, mouthing his way down Rimmer’s chest and stomach as he went, and knelt before his cock.  He glanced up teasingly, his lips almost brushing the straining member in front of him as he spoke, “You know, I seem to remember the head of this being extremely sensitive.”

“You _played_ with my cock?” Rimmer accused breathlessly.

“Like you didn’t play with mine.  You spent hours in that Jacuzzi.”

“That was all part of the exercise regime I had planned out.  Not mindless self-gratification!”

“And was it gratifying?” Lister purred.  Rimmer reddened and he smirked, “Yeah, thought so.”

“Are you going to sit there chatting all day?” Rimmer asked pointedly.

“Hey, I’m the one who’s supposed to need motivation, remember?” Lister teased, running the tip of his nose along the underside of Rimmer’s cock, “Shouldn’t you be doing this to me?”

“I’m going to do all kinds of things to you,” Rimmer growled threateningly, “If you don’t get on with it.” 

            Lister smiled and slid his arms around Rimmer’s hips, then parted his lips and slowly took him in.  He’d never done this before, but he knew from personal experience how a good blow job went and he knew Rimmer’s cock well enough to tailor the experience.  It was actually doubly arousing, he realised as it went on, that he could imagine the pleasure Rimmer was feeling so vividly; as though he could feel the response to every movement of his lips and tongue in his own astonishingly hard penis.  He lost himself in it, relishing the act and all of Rimmer’s increasingly frantic sounds of pleasure, right up until a familiar voice chimed, “What is going on in here?!”

            Lister’s eyes flew open.   Oh smeg.  Oh fuck.  _Kochanski._ How had they forgotten to lock the door?  How had he let Rimmer talk him into this insanity in the first place?  What the hell was he doing?  He hadn’t been that drunk.  He risked a sideways glance and saw Kriss standing watching them in her silk dressing gown with one hand over her mouth, a picture of perfect shock.  He gulped and Rimmer moaned and pressed tighter against him.  Oh, great.  Just perfect.  There was no way to hide what they were doing and he couldn’t very well tell her ‘it’s not what it looks like’ with Rimmer’s cock pressed snugly against his tonsils.  He started to pull away, to say something, _anything_ , that might explain this but Rimmer curled a firm hand around the back of his head and held him in place.  “Oh no you don’t, Squire,” he said, voice trembling with excitement, “Don’t you _dare_ stop.”

            Lister stared up at him, astounded.  _He can’t be serious._   “He’s right, Dave,” Kriss added softly.  Lister’s heart rate doubled, then trebled.  She walked over and knelt beside him.  He could see the small peaks of her nipples under the lush fabric.  She was naked under there.  Her soft fingers lightly stroked his neck and the scent of her perfume floated over him like a fine silk scarf settling over his skin.  “You can’t stop now.  It would be rude.”  _This isn’t real_ , Lister thought, bewildered. _This is a dream.  This is a hallucination.  What the smeg did I drink???_  

Kochanski smiled naughtily at Rimmer, “I’m guessing that he wasn’t so hard to convince after all.  What did I tell you?”

“I’ll have you know that I had to utilise all my powers of seduction to get your ridiculous plan to work,” Rimmer replied haughtily.  Lister’s eyes darted back and forth between them.  _Plan?_   “Please tell me you didn’t use the wormdo line,” she said, amused. 

“If you must know, I simply informed him that it was now ship regulations for us to have sex and it worked like a charm.  As you can see.  Now, if you don’t mind...”

“Seriously, Dave?” Kriss teased, “He finally succeeded in pulling rank on you?  Either he was very commanding, or you must have been feeling _extremely_ obliging.” 

She looked at Lister’s expression of utter bewilderment and took pity on them both.  “Okay, okay.  Finish servicing Rimmer,” she told him, “He’s been very patient.  Then you can start with me.”  Her fingers moved down and lightly stroked Lister’s cock and he whined, making Rimmer squirm in response.  “Don’t come,” she warned him gently, “Remember, I’m waiting for you.  _And_ I’m your senior officer.” 

Still unsure of the reality of the situation, Lister obediently relaxed his jaw and resumed working on Rimmer’s cock.  He saw the two of them share a look he couldn’t decipher.  He had no idea what was happening, but right now that didn’t matter.  Whatever it was, he liked it.  When Rimmer finally reached orgasm, moaning through gritted teeth as his come pulsed down Lister’s throat, Kochanski reached over and gently stroked his head, as though proud of him.  He drew back, letting the softened penis slide out of his mouth.  The hologramatic come had fizzled out of existence and he shook his head, startled at the sensation.  Kriss laughed and kissed him, “Poor baby,” she said, “You look concussed.”

“I feel it,” he replied faintly, “I’m sure any minute I’m going to wake up in the medi-bay.”

“Not yet,” she told him.  She got to her feet and unwound her dressing gown, letting it slip off her shoulders and drop to the ground.  Lister gazed up at her from the floor as though looking on a goddess.  She tugged him to his feet and drew him over to the table as Rimmer leaned panting against the back of the sofa, watching them.  She eased herself up onto the table and spread her legs, pulling Lister close.  “Before you’re allowed to wake up,” she told him, gently caressing his chest, “First you have to satisfy me.  And judging by this,” she moved her attention to his cock, which was swollen to an incredible size and literally pulsing with heat, “That’s not going to be difficult.”

            Lister kissed her and it was so different from the firm demanding kisses he’d shared with Rimmer just minutes ago, but just as hot and just as delicious.  He touched her and found she was already wet and more than ready.  He slid into her and savoured her gasp of delight as much as the slick, warm embrace of her sex.  He had to stop, take a moment to compose himself.  It had been so long since his cock had felt anything like this and he was sure that if he didn’t pull himself together he’d come almost instantly.  Her breasts pressed enticingly against his chest as she leaned in to him.  “It’s okay,” she whispered, “I’m not gonna last long either.  Not after the display you two just put on.”  He laughed breathlessly,

“You liked that?”

“I _loved_ that,” she murmured, “And when Rimmer is ready for it, I want an encore.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah.  But first,” she wrapped her arms around him, “We’re going to focus on _me_ for a little while.”

            Rimmer watched them from across the room as they screwed.  There was a small ebb of jealousy there, but it was also undeniably hot watching Lister put that impressive piece of equipment to work.  It wasn’t long before he was achingly hard again.  Kochanski, peering over Lister’s shoulder, opened her eyes for a moment and their gaze met.  She beckoned him over.  Rimmer approached cautiously.  “Hey,” Kochanski nudged Lister gently with her nose and he slowed, still rocking against her gently as he looked up, “What?”

“I think Rimmer’s ready now.”

“I’m...not entirely sure I can stop,” he confided helplessly.

“You don’t have to,” she said, lying back across the table so that Lister was bent over her. 

“Oh?” he asked breathlessly, then felt Rimmer behind him.  “Oh!” 

Kochanski felt his cock throb powerfully inside her.  “That’s right,” she said, reaching up to stroke his face, “You got it.”

“Oh god, I don’t know if I can do this,” Lister said, aroused almost to the point of panic. 

“You’d better get used to it,” she told him, “Because Rimmer and I have been talking and we’ve decided that _this_ is now ship regulations.”

“Twice a day,” Rimmer reminded him, as he began to ease into him from behind.

“You’ve got to be smegging kidding me,” Lister gasped.

“Not in the slightest,” Kriss said solemnly.

“And any dereliction of duty will be dealt with _extremely_ firmly,” Rimmer added.

            Lister moaned as Rimmer’s cock stretched and filled him.  _If this is a dream, or a coma_ , he thought to himself, _and those bastards wake me up now I’m going to kill myself._  “Is there...anything else...I should know?” he panted, “Any other changes to ship regulations that affect me?”

“Lots,” Kriss promised in a whisper,

“We made a list,” Rimmer confirmed gleefully, swivelling his hips and making Lister _and_ Kochanski gasp.

“A whole list...” Lister repeated in a stunned whisper.

“Trust me, Dave,” Kriss told him playfully, “Your life is about to become very, _very_ interesting.”

 


End file.
